10) How to be a cruel exam writer

I've often wondered what horrible little tricks I could pull if I was an exam writer. And since some of you might take this up as a career, this tip is EDUCATIONAL! YAAAAAAY!

A)           Add extra, irrelevant detail to cover up the actual question.
Example: Bob went to the shop and bought five cookies. He ate one cookie then decided to leave the others until later. However, Bob’s misbehaving kitten ate 2 and a half cookies while Bob was visiting his friend, Douglas. Douglas has a shiny new red bike. Bob invited Douglas back to his house for a cookie. Douglas’s father works in a bank. Douglas was hungry so he accepted Bob’s offer. Bob’s kneecaps smell like sausages. Therefore, Bob and Douglas ate three quarters of a cookie each. Calculate the mass of the sun.

B)            Write every question in poorly translated Chinese.

C)            Make every answer in the multiple choice test the same letter. (Everyone will have a mental breakdown.)

D)           Complain about personal problems in the questions.
For 4 marks, explain why my wife left me after a 34 year marriage. Also, my goldfish died this morning. Explain that too. Once you’re finished, and during the final five minutes of the exam, quickly scribble down the answer to the real question which is a 2000 word essay about photosynthesis. No matter how fast you write, you will fail. Have fun. J

E)            Have so much fun inserting wrong answers into the multiple choice forgot to add correct answer.
What is ten minus five? Choose a letter. You will get extra credit for drawing a picture of a monkey on a unicycle.
A)           3! This test is easy LOL
B)            Myreaction to this question. 
C)            What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
D)           I WASN'T TAUGHT THIS IN CLASS!!!!!!!!!!1

9) How to die

A)     Being hit by a car, then flying through the air and being hit by another car.

B)      Jumping off a skyscraper and being sniped on the way down.

C)      Cutting the red wire.

D)     Being hit by a cannonball that was fired in your honor.

E)      Believing Red Bull.

F)      Snakes on a plane.

G)     Accidentally drinking lava.

H)     Eaten by a rabid llama.

I)        Have a bath with your pet toaster.

J)       Running with scissors.

K)      Driving over an unfinished bridge.

L)       Stepping on a piece of Lego.

M)   Being run over by an ambulance.

N)     Attempting to dig a hole through the world.

O)     Allergic to air.

P)      Accidentally eating yourself.

Q)     Being scared half to death twice.

R)      Your conjoined twin is a cannibal.

S)      Reverse diarrhea.

T)       Picked as a tribute for the Hunger Games.

U)     Have a kidney removed. Twice.

V)     Head-butt a moving missile.

W)   Bathe in hydrofluoric acid.

X)      Skydiving into a volcano.

Y)      Swallowing a grenade.

Z)      Getting “birthday bumps” as a 90 year old.  

8) How to be weird in an elevator/lift

A)     Bring a chair.

B)      Make animal noises.

C)      Offer to push the buttons for people. Press the wrong ones.

D)     Try and convert fellow passengers into your new religion.

E)      Sell Girl Scout cookies.

F)      Lick people’s ears.

G)     Pretend to be disgusted when somebody comes in. Scream, “Have you ever heard of KNOCKING!?!”

H)     Start a rave.

I)        Lay down a “Twister” mat. Invite others to play.

J)       Go naked.

K)      Dress up as the Grim Reaper. Announce to other passengers in a deep voice that, “It is time…”

L)     As the lift journey comes to an end, get emotional and tell fellow passengers you will never forget them. Have a group hug.

M)   Bring a rocking chair and knit.

N)     Wear ‘X-Ray Goggles’ and comment on the bodies of other passengers.

O)     Dress up as an air flight attendant and perform a safety briefing.

P)      Insist every passenger wears a name-tag.

Q)     Leave a large box in the corner. Ask passengers if they can hear a ticking noise.

R)      Stand facing towards the walls, not moving or making any sound. Never get off.

S)      Bring a shovel and attempt to dig for treasure.

T)      Laugh manically and cry hysterically. At the same time.

U)     Bring a magnifying glass and inspect people’s skin. Inform them their pores are looking healthy.

V)     Hang pictures of yourself on the walls.

W)   Declare war on a fellow passenger.

X)      Try to fart and burp at the same time.

Y)      Dress up as Spiderman. Attempt to climb the walls.

Z)      Bring a large bag of manure and empty it in the middle of the elevator. 

7) How to fail an exam… in style.

Note – Following this tip will probably ruin your life. This blog isn't called “Unhelpful Teen” for nothing.

A)      Start a food fight.

B)      Play Frisbee with someone at the opposite end of the hall.

C)      Tell the invigilator/instructor they look sexy.

D)     Answer questions in an English exam in Chinese.

E)      Do the exam in crayons.

F)      Attempt to start a Mexican wave.

G)     Play ‘Chubby Bunny.’ 

H)     Strip.

I)        Bring your pet Chihuahua.

J)       Get pizza delivered to the exam hall.

K)      Propose to the instructor.

L)       Eat the exam paper. Ask for a new one.

M)   Cross-dress.

N)     Claim your religious beliefs mean you cannot take the exam.

O)     Stand up halfway through the exam and shout, “Okay everyone, let’s check our answers. Question 1, B. Question 2, D. Question 3, A…

P)      Bring a large jar of insects and release them into the exam hall.

Q)     Answer every question in invisible ink.

R)      Loudly hum the tune to “The Final Countdown” during the final ten minutes.

S)      Masturbate.

T)      As soon as you enter the hall, grab your exam and run for the door screaming, “ I've got the documents! I've finally got them!”

U)     Hire someone to give you a back massage during the exam.

V)     Pretend to come down with a bad case of Tourette’s.

W)   Have a dramatic celebration whenever you answer a question (dance on the table, throw confetti, etc.) 

X)      Bring a photo of Justin Bieber. Pray to it occasionally.

Y)      Trip people up as they walk past your table.

Z)      During the exam, frantically get up and shout, “ They've found me!” Run out of the hall.

6) How to take a date to the cinema/ movie theater

Note – This tip is written mainly for males, under the assumption you’ll (probably) be the one asking the girl on the date.

A)     Book a seat before you saunter in there and are promptly informed they’re all full up. Your date will not be particularly aroused if they have to walk home in the rain after a four-minute date.

Choose the movie wisely. A horror film is a good bet – that way you’ll probably end up in each other’s arms for comfort and you can bond over having to buy new underwear afterwards.

However, you’ll likely end up going for the rather over-done romantic comedy anyway. (Probably starring Adam Sandler.) This is understandable – by combining romance and comedy by the end of your film your date is probably in both a giggly and flirtatious mood. And you can talk during these films without anyone caring much because, well, it’s not as if the plot is particularly hard to follow.

You’ll want to consult your date about the film you watch, though – if they faint at the sight of blood you won’t want to watch the latest Saw film. If you take them to a film where every character is naked for the entire two hours, then they’re going to think you’re a pervert. Got your eye on an animated film? If it isn't made by Pixar, then it isn't worth watching.

B)      Another advantage of already having the tickets before you go is you won’t have to queue up to buy them on the day, avoiding any awkward silences in the queue. You don’t want to panic during a silence and start talking about the close relationship you share with your pet rock just so you’re saying something.

And really, you should buy them a ticket. If you walk into the cinema with your own ticket and announce they should probably buy theirs because the movie starts in two minutes, and oh look the queue for the tickets is massive ha ha have fun loser, then you might get slapped, possibly with a fish. Don’t make the ticket buying a big deal though – like saying:

“Hey, I know you come from a poor family because you only have one TV and my family has four. Don’t feel bad though, I like poor girls! That’s why I went to the trouble of buying you a ticket! Yeah I know, I’m just the best aren't I.”

You may be slapped with a larger fish for saying this.

C)      Dress to impress! But as with the restaurant date, nudity may attract the wrong kind of attention. (Like the police and the mental health clinic.) A nice shirt (preferably purple, because I like purple) and a nice pair of trousers should be sufficient. Leave any large hats at home unless you want the person sitting behind you to set fire to it.

D)     Try and arrive at the cinema at least five minutes early so you look like you actually care. If your date hasn't yet arrived, amuse yourself by picking your nose shouting abuse at strangers pretending to be a slug crying in a corner writing hate mail to your date oh just sit still and wait patiently.

If your date doesn't arrive on time do not scream “OMG WHY ARE YOU LATE I BET IT’S COS YOU’RE FAT YOU UGLY *****.” That pretty much makes you a terrible person.

Instead, don’t even mention their tardiness – instead simply greet them and, if you know them well enough and they aren't your pet guinea pig, a kiss is acceptable.

E)      You may want to buy some food to take into the cinema. A bucket of popcorn is good because you can share it, rather than taking in individual food supplies. However, popcorn is only really tasty if you’re eating several pieces at a time but this makes you look like a pig who has only recently found a human body to inhabit. Anything minty is also great if you plan to be saliva-sharing as it will freshen up your breath.

F)      Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Your date will hate you forever if you leave her halfway through the film while the creepy old man two rows back keeps moving slightly closer every time she looks away.

G)     If the adverts are still running when you enter the cinema, you can bond over your agreement that those things run on for far too long.

H)     If, during the film, your date shows no interest in body contact don’t pressure her. Your body language, however, can be a subtle indication that you’re interested. And hers can be a give-away as well!

Good’ body language:
-         Leaning into each other slightly
-        Making eye contact and hold it for slightly longer than normal (However this cannot be considered ‘good’ body language is you both look disgusted.)
-         If she is particularly attracted to you she will unconsciously mirror your body language. So you can test it out. If she eats a bit of popcorn when you do, then WOAH MARRY HER.
-         If she raises the arm-rest, therefore removing the only barrier between you and her then, well, I can be your best man, right?

‘Bad’ body language:

-          She moves away when you get closer. Oh dear.
-          If she keeps checking her phone, this could be a sign her mind is elsewhere or she may be playing Angry Birds to try and forgot that you exist. Even worse, she could be updating her Facebook status to:
“OMG! Havin the worst day evr FML! If I wnted 2 watch Finding Nemo I wud have gon with my lil sis! & this guy is complete creep. He keeps picking his nose & wiping it on my face wtf. & a moment ago he looked at my chest and asked if they were real!?!”
-         Your date looks at you at the end of the film and starts crying
-          Your date gets up during the film “to go to the toilet” and doesn't come back

I)        At some point during the film, your date may attempt to take your hand (or vice-versa, whatever.) However – DO NOT attempt hand-holding if your hands are sweaty. Unless your sweat smells like strawberries, your date may not appreciate it. Instead, you’ll have to rather sneakily dispose of your sweat before hand-holding is initiated.

You may choose to do this by wiping it on your trousers, force-feeding it to the person sitting behind you or wiping it onto your dates face when she isn't looking. As long as your hand is nice and dry when your date grabs it, then you can pat yourself on the shoulder – you've doing mediocre, at the very least. You should have a relatively tight grip, just don’t crush her hand or anything. (Although this would display your awesome strength.)

You could consider whispering something cute in her ear when hand-holding is initiated, like “Mmm, your hands are so smooth and slender and white. Just like my ex’s!”

Okay, maybe not. On the subject of bad things to say, here are a few more which are especially terrible on first dates:

-           “You’re one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen! Like, at least in the top 100!”

-          “I have some crazy stories from my second time in jail. Like, you might leave me if I ever told you.”

-          “Add me on MySpace!”

-          “*laughs* How’d THAT fall out my pants?”

-          “I usually only date attractive girls, but I decided to lower my standards a bit.”

-          “So then I said, psychopathic tendencies or not, I’m not taking any more of your damn medication!”

-          “Ah! I just figured it out! You look a lot like my sister!”

-          “You mind if I record this?”

-          “The voices are telling me to stay away from you. DANGER DANGER”

-          “How much do you make in a year?”

-          “I hope you don’t mind my cat being here. We find it very difficult being separated.”


J)       After the film if you haven’t drifted into a never-ending slumber or been strangled to death by your date you may want to briefly discuss the film to convince her you haven’t simply mastered the art of sleeping with your eyes open.  Any large hats can now return to the top of your head. And if your entire date was imaginary you may now commence crying in a corner.

So you’re pretty much a movie date expert now. And here’s a question that maybe somebody will answer:

What is the worst movie you have ever seen? 

5) How to take a date to a fancy restaurant

A)     First, before we visit our fancy establishment, you must decide on your clothing for the occasion. If you are a male hoping to impress the lady of your dreams, going naked may seem like an obvious choice; however it is important to note this does not follow ‘normal’ restaurant etiquette. Instead, consider a mankini.  Just dress casually and don't go overboard. Don’t wear your trousers too low, you don’t want them falling down and your lady friend leaving you forever/getting overly excited.

If you’re a female, well, you aren't going to listen to a teenage boys opinion on your dress choice are you.

B)      Once arriving at the restaurant, you will need to choose a place to sit with your soul mate/mother/relative/imaginary friend/pet rock/ mole rat. If the waiter or waitress tries to pick a table for you must kindly request that you are allowed to choose yourself. You should stay clear of any tables near large ovens as the heat will make you sweat and possibly give your date/pet the wrong idea. Also try and steer clear of crying babies and creepy old men who watch you eat. A table next to a window is preferable – that way if the conversation dries up you can stare out of the window with a thoughtful expression on your face and pretend to be in deep contemplation.

C)      Now, sit down. There will be a large napkin/cloth on your plate. What a convenient place to blow your nose! No, wait! Keep your mucus inside of you for now; that napkin should go on your lap and stay there. (Well, except if you get up to go to the bathroom/run away crying. Remember to put the napkin back on the table at this point, else it may fall to the floor when you stand up, resulting in you embarrassingly leaning over to pick it up, tripping over your shoe-lace, getting a head concussion and then having to be rushed to be hospital. Your date will be frankly unimpressed.)

D)     The waiter/waitress should soon arrive so you can order drinks and your meal. At this point it will be useful if you didn’t spend the prior 12 hours binge-eating bread-sticks and sausage rolls. You will have to eat three courses, since this is a fancy restaurant.  Order something light for the starter – there is nothing worse (okay, there is) than gobbling down a large starter to now find the thought of another two courses makes your body want to immediately abort the entire contents of your stomach. (Well, that’s a nice way of saying puke.)

In terms of the main course, go CRAZY(!) – but not too crazy. You can a little bit adventurous but if you find you have ordered a plate of something you cannot shovel down without giving up on life, you have made a terrible mistake. Stick to this general rule – if you cannot pronounce what you are ordering, then STAY AWAY. If you’re eating in a foreign country and the writing on the menu makes your head spin, then you’re pretty screwed unfortunately. You may have to resort to simply pointing to a random item on the menu and screaming “That one!” like an infant who has just made their selection in a sweet shop. Or why not try and impress your date with your fantastic knowledge of world language by asking them to decipher this menu for you please.

There’s a good chance you’ll be ordering the dessert after the main course (so the people who ordered a disgusting main course can leave early to collapse and die, I presume) but I’ll cover it here anyway. Don’t worry too much about this one – just don’t order anything too extravagant. If an eighteen inch twelve story chocolate fudge and vanilla cake with chocolate butter-cream filling and caramel sauce arrives on your table, what you’re really saying to your date is “Hey, you can see me for a few more years and then I’ll die young of morbid obesity!"

E)      Once you've ordered your food it will now be the time for either awkward small talk or comfortable chatting, depending on how well you know and like each other. (Or if you've brought your pet you can watch them lick themselves and poop on the chair). Try and stay away from the following topics If you want your date to actually stay the whole evening:
-          How terribly wrong their political views are
-          The ridiculous number of times you farted yesterday
-          Anything that begins with “We need to talk.” (Unless you’re talking about adopting a turtle. That would be awesome.)
-          Anything about religion
-          How fat they are

You should mention how much you’re enjoying your meal at least three times (one for each course). If your date agrees that the food is good, then wow look, you've got something in common. You can thank me later.

F)      When the starter arrives, you may suddenly notice the abundance of silverware on your table. So you've got a problem – which knife and fork do you use for the starter? But I've got the solution – work your way inward, using the cutlery furthest away from the plate first. Or wait, was it the other way round…?
Okay, just use the smallest knife and fork for the starter. If you get this the wrong way round just sneakily swap your cutlery with your dates so it looks like they messed up. Hehe. (Forever alone?)
If you’re eating soup for your starter, remember to dip your spoon in the bowl and then remove it by moving it away from you rather than toward. Or wait, was it the other way round…?
Okay, just looked it up, it’s definitely away from your body. Try and sip the soup slowly off the bowl of the spoon (you know, the curvy bit) rather than sticking it all in your mouth, like you’re about to suck the whole spoon into your stomach never to be seen again. AND DON’T SLURP.

G)     If you have to go to the bathroom to throw up/cry yourself to sleep/climb out of the window/pick chicken out of your teeth then you should probably do so quickly because that creepy old man I mentioned earlier is still staring at your date eating.

H)     Once you’ve finished your meal you now begin the next stage of your quest to impress your date and possibly even have a mildly enjoyable time – flagging down the waiter. This may take a while but you must have patience – if you get angry you’ll probably either leave without paying which is a criminal offence or throw something sharp at the waiter which, well, might be murder. You might as well treat the waiter with respect – it’s a little late for them to be spitting in your food but they might sigh in a disappointed way if you don’t give them a 200% tip which will make you feel sad and sorry. (Nobody likes feeling sad and sorry.)

Try and catch the eye of the waiter and raise your eyebrows as if to say, “Hmm, yes, look at me raising my eyebrows. Why? Well, I’m just mysterious like that. Why don’t you come over and find out why my eyebrows are raised, hmm?” Once they arrive you can throw up on them    feed them to your mole rat   politely ask for the bill. Oh by the way, if the menu didn't have any prices on it then, well, you might have to sell your clothes to get out of there alive. Consider subtly suggesting your date pays for (at least) half the meal, such as by saying “You know what I really like to see in a woman? You know what makes me feel all warm and tingly inside? You know what really makes me GROAN in pleasure? When you pay for your own meal.”

I)        And don’t forget to tip the waiter! Give them whatever you think they deserve, although you may want to cut their tip slightly if they steal your date or murder your family.

J)       And now we come to the end of the evening. You may want to wait until after you leave the restaurant before you talk about how loud that family two tables along were and how creepy that old man was. At this point, a goodnight kiss is possible. If the food was particularly terrible you may want to resist as you may puke into your date’s mouth and that would be pretty disgusting. However if the food was at least sub-standard and you have both come to a formal written agreement that sharing vomit is icky, feel free to move in for the kiss. Just keep in mind you were hallucinating the whole evening. You’re currently kissing your smelly pet dog, who washes his whole body with that tongue which is now wrapped around yours. Have fun.

Question that maybe somebody will answer : Ever had a terrible date? What happened? Did you mistake the women of your dreams for your pet dog again? 

4) How to be socially incompetent

From your posture to your personality, there are all sorts of zany ways you can change yourself up to make the mention of your very name send someone into a fit of giggles.

Don’t stand on two feet while having a conversation.

That’s what all the boring, sociable people do. No, why not trying standing on your head and play a game of “How long can I stay like this before I pass out and have to be rushed to hospital?”

B) While in conversation, invade personal space. If you aren't standing three inches or closer to their face, then you aren't being awkward enough. Ask them if they enjoy the smell of your breath. Maybe even stroke their chin or lick their ear.

C) Keep all eye contact to a maximum, and keep your eyes as wide open as possible. Keep staring at them until their face is ingrained into your retina. If they ask what the heck you’re doing tell them you’re admiring their beautiful ears.

D) Interrupt legitimate conversations with random outbursts. Example:
Normal Person – So I went to the library today on the way to the train station, which was an unusual detour because-
Socially incompetent person – MY BEST FRIEND IS MARK AND HE IS A PENGUIN

E) You can create awkwardness with your ‘unique’ appearance, such as with an interesting shirt.

F) Get working on your terrible conversation starters. Some good ones:
“Hello! What? The prison clothes? Sorry, I, umm, thought it was a fancy dress party.”

“Good news, I am no longer infected. *winks* ”

“You… you’re a girl right?”

“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

“I see dead people.”

 “You know what ethnic minority I REALLY hate?”

“Pardon me dear Earthling; could I obtain a blood sample?”

“My toenails smell like asparagus.”

Tips 1, 2 & 3

Hello there, random internet user! This blog is hopefully (if I don’t get bored after the first post) going to focus on life tips for teenagers, written by a teenager. The following tips may or may not be totally life-ruining and cause you to self-combust or melt into a pool of liquefied person. Okay, that’s a little dark. Here’s twenty three four reasons why you should read this blog:
1)      If this blog had a smell, it would smell like freshly cut grass and also unicorns.
2)      Cats. I’m a cat person.
3)      There is no fourth reason.

1)      Please, don’t be annoying on Facebook
So either Facebook makes me angry or I’m just an angry person. Or mayyyybe, I have a horrific monster living inside of me which is only awakened by poor grammar and duck faces. Hmm, well if I write any more of this post in all capital letters then you’ll know the demon inside of me has been released.
A)     WHY THE HECK ARE YOU POSTING VAGUE AND DEPRESSING STATUS UPDATES!?! If you want your self-esteem raised just message your best friend or something. Don’t be all like, “Today I took a shower. The flowing water did nothing to rinse away the emotional scars which now constantly pain me after what happened last week.” And then you’re not going to say what happened last week?!? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! Did your boyfriend leave you?!? Did your mole rat die?!? Did your last status only get 46 likes!?! THE HORROR!
Find out all of this and more in next week’s exciting episode of: Annoying Facebook Girl
B)      Unnecessary name changes. Pleased to meet you Sarah ‘Sparkles’ Smith.

C)      By the way, the ‘hand on hip and photo taken from the side’ trick? Yes, people know this makes you look slimmer. Keep doing it if you want, it just looks a little… insecure.

D)     Please stop liking spam posts which are obviously fake. Bill Gates is not going to pay you 5000 (insert your country’s currency here) if you share this post. If it looks too good to be true, then it probably is.


F)      Oh, you’ve been dating your new boyfriend for two days? Well, of course you’re now madly in love. Yes, I would love for my newsfeed to be plagued with your sappy “omg Mark just made me a cup of coffee he’s just the sweetest boy ever we’ll be together for ever how thoughtful is he you know all men could learn something from him yesterday he even paused his game of call of duty so we could make awkward small talk and realise we have little in common cuddle and talk about whether to name our first child Mark Junior, Bubbles or Fairy Dust.” And then of course I would just love to be tortured further for the next two months because now you understand that ‘all men are the same’(quick note –You cannot generalise half of the world’s population). 

G)     Bobby John just sent you a game request. Jimmy Piddle just sent you a game request. Willy Billy just sent you a game request…

2)      How to cure boredom
You. You’re reading this. You’re probably bored. Let’s get to work.
A)     Google Translate beatboxing. Click ‘listen.’ Be amazed.
B)      Start a blog.
C)      Have a water gun fight. If you’re alone, simulate the fight by taking a shower.
D)     Go streaking    Bake muffins
E)      Watch cat videos. If you don’t enjoy this you are dead inside.
F)      Play a game of “Who will Taylor Swift write a song about next?”
H)     Try and solve a Rubik’s cube. Get angry. Create cube-shaped hole in window.
I)        Do something rebellious. Like playing with your food. Oooh.

3)      How to spot a vampire
So let’s say you have a friend. His name is Bob. You think Bob may be a vampire. This is a perfectly reasonable suspicion; after all 45% of your friends are likely vampires. (Note – 80% of statistics are made up on the spot.)
A)     Fangs – an obvious sign. If Bob has these babies you might as well get the stake and holy water out right away. But there’s a problem – how will you catch a glimpse of Bob’s fangs?
Some suggestions for the uncreative:
-          Tell Bob a funny joke so he opens his mouth wide enough. (Don’t offend Bob though. If you tell him his mother is overweight in a comedic fashion, he may consume you for disrespecting his family.)
-          Tell Bob some shocking news. If you happen to be Bob’s daughter you could tell him you’re pregnant and the father is your psychopathic ex-boyfriend who went to prison for murdering someone with a rake. Alternatively, if Bob is simply a good friend, casually mention in conversation that you’re pursuing a career as a vampire slayer.
-          Train to become a dentist, and then get Bob as a client. (Hey, I didn’t say this would be easy.)

B)      Extremely pale skin. If Bob always looks like he’s just seen a ghost, then chances are he’s a vampire. (Beware though – Bob may just play a lot of World of Warcraft.)

C)      Sparkles in sunlight       No. This is not Twilight.

D)     Longevity. Was Bob present at your birth and still looks exactly the same? Does he get a little nostalgic about the dinosaur age? Does he claim Julius Caesar was “like, totally my best buddy”?  If so, Bob is either a vampire or well, just a big fat liar.