As a possible side effect of watching too much the Walking Dead recently, I have become
rather interested in zombies – or more precisely, how to beat several hundred
of them to death and live to tell my grandchildren. You can consider this good
planning – when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives there will be no time for
tears or a zombie movie marathon for research purposes. You will probably have
to kill many zombies (as well as your elderly, easily infected neighbors) all
while surviving without a scratch or bite. Because the zombie apocalypse is a
totally legitimate threat I've taken the liberty of writing this guide which
will probably end up being the most important 800 words ever written or
something.
A)
So obviously – the golden rule (aren't I cool
writing that in golden). Don’t get bitten, and if you do, kill yourself. (Is
there any nice way of saying that?) If any of your elderly neighbors have
avoided having their faces chewed off, consider asking them to chop you up with
an axe. You’ll even be supplying free food if you happen to live in a family of
cannibals.
B)
Note any suspicious behavior. Before gathering
equipment, you must realise that the apocalypse has begun. If you see someone
limping down the street mumbling about brains assume this is NOT a friendly
protest/mating call but instead a FREAKING ZOMBIE OMG RUN. (This situation can
become awkward if it just turns out to just be an old guy with a hangover or
something.)
 |
| PROBABLY A ZOMBIE (source) |
C) If you
live in an urban area, then WOAH get out of there – the busier the area was,
the more zombies there will now be wandering the streets. Do not try and drive
unless you want to get stuck in the most intense traffic jam ever. You could
try and swim away, because I’m pretty sure zombies can’t swim without their
limbs falling off. Although when you really think about it, zombies are too
stupid to even get up a ladder, so you can just climb one and start a new
civilization. If you happen to have a tree house, this will become a sanctuary
for humanity. Get a nice mix of men and
woman in there and let the breeding begin.
 |
| This could be you soon! (source) |
D)
Sorry, that got a little weird. Once you’re out
of a busy area, you’ll want to gather some supplies. You might want to drop into a supermarket (cough, cough) to get some tinned food, long sleeved jumpers
and, well, you might as well take anything you want. Supplies you definitely
need include:
-
Some sort of weapon. Whether this is a gun, an
axe or your neighbors severed arm, just make sure it can actually function as
a weapon.
-
Gun suppressor (I bet so many deaths in zombie
films would be prevented if people just silenced their god damn guns.)
-
A helmet (Aha, you can’t eat my brains if
they’re protected!)
-
Duct tape (Because duct tape fixes everything.)
-
Binoculars (Because seeing is pretty important.)
-
Toothbrush (A zombie apocalypse is no excuse for
tooth decay.)
-
While we’re on the subject of supplies, consider
stopping at a museum and getting a head to toe suit of armor. You’ll be like
Iron Man, only less awesome and more sweaty.
E)
If you’re travelling with a group, make sure
everybody else is incredibly fat or just slow at running. I think you know what
I mean by this.
 |
| I couldn't find a relevant picture for this, so here's a slow loris. Close enough? |
F)
You’ll probably have to kill zombies at some
point. Aim for the head, although try and resist screaming, “yes
headshot 360 no scope camper noob I did your mother” after every decapitation.
Not only will your screaming attract more zombies, you’ll probably be disowned
by your family for being an annoying Call of Duty player. If video games have
taught me anything about zombies it’s that you should be extra careful around
the fast ones – because apparently they’re perfectly capable of Usain Bolting’
towards you but a ladder is a fricking mystery.
G)
If you’re a woman with high heels (or a man – I
won’t judge) take those pointy death traps off. You’ll be doing a lot of running
in the zombie apocalypse and you totally just can’t do that well in high heels.
You’ll probably end up falling over, and if you’re particularly unlucky right
on top of a zombie, which could either be the start of an adult movie or mean
CERTAIN DEATH.
 |
| This sign exists only to protect you against zombies. Duh. (source) |
H)
A not very well known fact (probably because
zombies aren't actually real) is that the undead will freeze in cold
conditions, which is why moving to a particularly cold region (Antarctica
anyone?) might be a good idea. If you build a tree house in Antarctica you can
probably lead a perfectly happy existence without ever seeing another zombie.
I)
The sad thing about zombie apocalypses is that
you’re pretty screwed even if you do manage to survive for a long period of
time. There isn't much hope for a regrowth of humanity when there’s a few
billion zombies wandering around. (Also I bet Earth really stinks with all that
rotting flesh.) I suppose if all else fails you could just do the Thriller dance. And then die. Have fun with that.
How would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?
How would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?
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