Unhelpful Teen

-          - Hide under their bed until they fall asleep, and then wake them up in the middle of the night to ask them.

-         - Write a letter.

-        -  Write a letter with your own blood.

-         - Threaten to kill their hamster if they don’t go with you.

-       -   Pay them to go with you.

Let’s say that hypothetically Sarah has broken your heart by rejecting your advances and has then proceeded to barbecue your cat. You’ll have to find another soulmate to shower in gifts and expensive meals, and another person to take to prom. You’ll need to, to the best of your abilities, judge your popularity and compare it to your peers to decide who is likely to say yes. Let’s say you meet another girl, called Iona.

 Perhaps, upon being asked, she will fall to the floor, experience a powerful orgasm and then her ovaries will explode with the sheer magnitude of her arousal. Or perhaps she will laugh, tell you she’s “totally out of your league” and then go and sleep with the gym teacher.

It’s rather hard to tell which way the imaginary pendulum will swing, and so I present to you this guide to knowing if Iona would accept your advances, which was written by me which a drunk homeless man wrote for me in 5 minutes, although I did help with the writing of it, as I prodded him with a pointy stick whenever he seemed to be close to falling asleep, which was admittedly every few seconds, but I was willing to accept his drowsiness as he is 95 and still knows a thing or two about asking people to prom.

IONA LIKES YOU IF:

- She seems shy around you.

- She plays with her hair while talking to you.

- She often stares at your crotch with a hopeful expression on her face.

- She requested to sit next to you during Sex Ed. During the class, you catch her winking at you and attempting to touch you under the table.

- You find out she has a tattoo which looks suspiciously like your name/face/penis.

- You often wake up in the middle of the night and see her sitting at the end of your bed giggling and putting her clothes back on.

IONA F—CKING HATES YOU IF:

-          She laughed when your gerbil died.

-          She talks to you at length about how great her boyfriend is.

-          She bought you a kitten that enjoys sitting on keyboards.

-          In a bathroom stall you find she has written your name, phone number and “Phone for a good time ;)”

-          She laughs then vomits when somebody says you two should get together.

You may also want to consider her name, in case you one day decide to marry her. Consider for example that your surname is Dick. Your new wife will become Iona Dick. To save Iona the trauma it may be best in this case to simply not marry her and so keep the number of Iona Dick’s in the world to a minimum.

So now I’ll assume you have found somebody who you positively know is interested in you.

Now all is left is to actually ask them to prom, without seeming like a creepy pervert or whatever. You will want to start with a casual conversation, for example about your shared love of poptarts or kittens wearing bow-ties. (Do not start this important conversation with anything other than good chit-chat.  Even if you eat babies or something, just keep it to yourself.)

Once the conversation is flowing like fresh Mountain Dew, mention the topic of the prom. Do not jump straight in with the question. You could talk about how awesome it looks, before casually (very casually) asking if they’re going with anybody. If they say they are, then MURDER THAT B—CH’S DOG sorry I meant go home and drown your sorrows in as much Friends as you can watch before you don’t feel like the universe hates you anymore.

However, if they say they aren't, and then look at you hopefully, run to the pharmacy because you’ll need JUMP IN WITH THE QUESTION. Which is, for clarification, “Would you like to go with me?” (Or something to that degree.) Even if they reject you now, you’ll know they aren't going to prom with anyone and will probably be forever alone for the rest of their lives hahaha.

Hopefully they’ll blush, say “OH EM GEE YOU KNOW MA NAME I WUD LUV TWO GO WIV U” (Or something to that degree) and then saunter off to tell her friends, who were probably listening in to this whole conversation.

So well done, you win, you got somebody to not only learn your name, but even managed to convince them to be associated with you at prom. You should be proud of yourself and should definitely not kill your date’s dog. Now remember – stay in school, don’t do drugs, use protection and become a follower of Unhelpful Teen PLZ.

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Welcome to Under The Dashed Line, a new section of this blog appearing at the bottom of new posts where I write in a (mostly) non-humorous, non Unhelpful-Teeny tone about this blog.

Thanks to anybody currently reading for checking out the blog, and to my followers (all 7 of you – as you can see this blog is rather popular.) That was sarcasm; I feel like I have to point that out because many people seem unable to detect sarcasm over the internet.

Okay, I've already become sidetracked. What I really wanted to say was that if you have any ideas or topics for future posts you want to see email me at unhelpfulteen@gmail.com.  Give me your username/name as well along with links to blog(s) you currently own/run as if I like your idea enough to use it, I’ll put a link to your blog in the post when I eventually release it. (Which could admittedly be a long time.)   

Also, consider liking this blog on Google+ and/or becoming a follower if you enjoyed this post. It makes me want to actually try. Goodbye. :)