25) How to write a cv

(source) (secondary source)

a cv

24) How to answer the phone


           A)     “Room service!”

           B)      “Is.. is this a secure line?”

           C)      “I thought I told you to never call me on this number.”

           D)     “Dominos, may I take your order?”

           E)      “Road Kill CafĂ©. You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.

           F)      “Go ahead, caller. You’re on the air!”

          G)     “Do you want to play a game?”

          H)     “I’m impressed, Detective, that you've made it this far. Now, I've rigged your office with several tonnes of plastic explosives. You have two minutes.”

          I)        “Adolf Hitler speaking.”


         K)      “Grim Reaper here. Hold on, I’ll be right with you.”

         L)       “Moe’s Tavern…”

        M)    Square root of 78, please.

        N)     “There’s nobody home.”

       O)     “Hello, Batman’s house! Oh, umm, I meant Wayne Manor.

       P)      “You will die in seven days………. Until then, would you like to buy cable TV?”

      Q)     “Bob’s Sperm Bank. You wack it, we pack it.”

       R)      “This is the department of Foreign Affairs. Have you had an affair with a foreigner recently?”

       S)      “HELLO!” (shout at the top of your lungs)

       T)      “For the last time, I do not want to have sex with a duck.”

       U)     “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite colour?”

       V)     “Phone tag, YOU’RE IT!”

      W)   “Sam’s Orphanage. You make em’, we take em’!

       X)      “Where will you be when diarrhea hits?

      Y)      “What’s your favorite scary movie?”

      Z)      “Procrastinators Anonymous, leave a message and we’ll call back eventually.”

          Become a follower of Unhelpful Teen, and you'll be my best friend-that-I've-never-met!

23) How to wake somebody up


        A) Sit on their face.

B) Fart on their face.

C) S**t on their face.

D) Ejaculate on their face.

E) Hire an orchestra to play in their bedroom.

F) Tie a finish line around their door, and shout "Go!" as you fire a starter pistol. (Pro tip - do not aim the pistol at them.) 

G) Get into bed with them and start nibbling on their ear.

H) Scream "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" in their face.

I) Duct tape ten alarm clocks to the ceiling, all going off at the same time, and set to play Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop."

J) Sandpaper their face.

K) Hire a fat guy to lie on top of them. 

L) Shine a bright light in their face and scream, "TRAIN!"

M) Become their mattress. 

N) Murder their family with a meat cleaver, then leave it in their hand. Wake them up by screaming, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?"

O) Put a crab on their face.

P) Taser them.

Q) Take their clothes off and move them so they wake up in your bed, with you stroking your face.

R) Attempt to flip the mattress off the bed. (a.k.a strength test)

S) Set them on fire using several bottles of gasoline and a lighter. If they still aren't moving after several minutes of this, and most of their face has melted away, then unfortunately they are dead. And it might be all your fault.

T) If the sleepyhead is your pregnant wife, tell her if she doesn't get up within 5 minutes you're taking her to the abortion clinic.

U) Spray them with a fire extinguisher. This could be combined with S) if your sleeping partner/friend is starting to smell like melting human.

V) If you are female and your target is your male partner, wake them up in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors at their testicles screaming that they've been cheating on you and know all about it. (legal note - affair does not have to be real.) 

W) Inform them that the zombie apocalypse has arrived, by dressing up as an undead and jumping on top of them.

X) Take a selfie with them while they're sleeping, then email it to them. 

Y) Start a chainsaw while standing next to them (they'll wake up at this point) and tell them you're there to "saw their wood."

Z) Wake them up by vigorously shaking them and crying of happiness while saying over and over, "I never thought you would survive the operation..." Then they look down and their legs are gone and are lying in a bloody bag at the end of the bed. Yeah, that's pretty creepy. 

Become a follower of Unhelpful Teen, and win an air guitar!