27) How to get rich quick


      A)     Sell a kidney.

      B)      Sell both kidneys.

      C)      Sell your penis. If you are female, pick that one guy friend that, although you consider him to be a ‘friend’, you realise you don’t actually like, and sell his penis.

Note – To sell your/a penis, cutting it off will of course be required. Although this sounds like a rather daunting task, Unhelpful Teen is of course here to help. So, reader, there are several ways to accomplish your penis-cutting task. First of all, ensure you take a legit anesthetic to ease the horrendous, crippling, hellish pain such as vodka and coke. Due to the vodka and coke’s amazing potential as an anesthetic, it was been scientifically proven that a house party is the best place to chop your dick off. However, it is worth noting that if the vodka is mixed with any soft drink other than coke, your dick, when chopped off, will evolve into a snake and swallow your testicles, before slithering away and emigrating to Australia. I should know, my dick regularly sends me postcards and recently visited the Sydney Opera House.

But now that I've managed to plug Coke into this article and received my £50,000 from the Coco-Cola Company (thanks, lads!) it’s time to move swiftly on to how you’re actually going to chop your/a dick off. The most effective methods, in no particular order, are falling over and landing crotch first on a pair of scissors, streaking in a scissors factory, getting molested by Edward Scissorhands, playing with scissors, running with scissors, masturbating with scissors, and doing f*cking anything with scissors. Also dipping your dick into acid would probably work too.

       D)     Get paid by a large business, such as the Coca-Cola Company, to promote their products on the internet.

       E)      Steal and sell a juicer, because nobody will notice that it’s gone.

       F)      Sue yourself.

       G)     Write a book about how to get rich quick. Don’t worry, you can use this list in your book, I won’t sue you.

       H)     Sue others for plagiarism.

        I)        Get addicted to gambling. #yolo

        J)       Sell your cow for three magic beans. Then slap yourself for being a knob.

       K)      Break bad, cook some crystal meth.

       L)       Hey, I heard you can make money from blogging. But how popular does your blog need to be, you ask? Rough estimates place the figure at approximately 100000000000x more popular than Unhelpful Teen. (but hey, it’s not all bad. At the time of writing, and probably for a long time to come, Unhelpful Teen has 11 followers. If we all stood in an elevator it would be packed. So there’s that.)

      N)     Sell your parents, because who needs those assholes.

      O)     Sue your parents, because apparently you ‘can’t sell them’ and you’re an ‘ungrateful bastard’. Pfft. Whatever.

      P)      Go all Slumdog Millionaire on us.

      Q)     Become a supervillain and make people pay you to stop your acts of evilness. But what sort of acts of evilness do I have in mind, I hear you ask. Well first of all, stop asking questions because I’m already exhausted and we’re only at Q. But just because I’m a straight up good guy, I’ll give you a few examples. Keep in mind though, I will sue you if you use any of these. 

      Some examples are:  inventing a new vegetable, changing the Internet Explorer icon on your family computer to Chrome, chewing on other people’s pens, paying for your meals out with pennies, tying jingle bells to your clothes and shoes, accusing everybody of being gay when they clearly aren't, accusing your friends of selling meth while standing next to a policeman/woman and not finishing your sent

      R)      Girls, you could always just use your status as a woman on the internet to your advantage. Get really close with some dude you met in a chatroom. Talk to him for a couple of months, tell him you love him, have phone sex, whatever. By the end of this ordeal if you need money to buy crap, just ask him and I’m 69% sure he will give you the money. Even if you aren't a girl, you could always just pretend. Haven’t you ever seen the TV show ‘Catfish’? You can fool a lot of people over the internet just with your use of language, for instance:

Normal Person: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. It is very amusing. I should became a follower. Giraffes are my fourth favourite animal.

Txt Spk Teen: readin unhpful teen. vry amusing. Shld become follower. Giraffes r my 4th fav animal.

Did-you-ever-go-to-school-or-were-you-just-dropped-on-your-head-as-a-child Person: i am curantly reedIng unhellful ten. Itt is verry emusinng. i shud beecum A folleye’r. gerafes err my foureth favrite aneMall!!!!!1

Look-Guys-I-Can-Use-A-Thesaurus Person: Presently, I am scrutinising Discourteous Adolescent. It is profoundly jocular. Yours truly is compelled to metamorphose into an advocate. Hoofed animals with elongated napes are my fourth most revered beast.


So-Immature-They’re-Probably-Still-In-The-Womb Person: I AM CuRReNtlY reAdInG UnHeLpfUL TeEN LOL!!!1 @@@@@@@@@@@ poo!!!!111 %*(£$&%*( @@@

Has-No-Idea-What-They’re-Doing Person: Microwaves are my favourite flavour of African monkey.

Definitely-A-Real-Person  Bot: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. For more unhelpful youngsters, visit www.virusesforgullibepeople.com

Stalker: I am currently reading Unhelpful Teen. It is very amusing. Almost as amusing as the view into your bedroom window last night. *wink*

90%-Of-14-Year-Old-Girls: JUUUUSSSSSTTTTIIIIINNNN BBBBIIIIEEEEEBBBBBBBEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      S)      You could go gold-digging. By this I mean you could marry somebody rich and inherit some of their cash. However the process of getting somebody to like you enough to marry you can be long and difficult. Often guys fall at one of the first hurdles - impressing a girl enough to go on a first date. But never fear, like a doctor or erection, Unhelpful Teen is once again here to help. There are numerous ways to impress a girl, and it feels weird talking about this considering my audience is 99.9% female. But I’m talking to the 0.1% now – here’s some tips on how to impress woman.

You could, for example, use super long words to impress her, like ‘whore.’ At 5 letters, that’s a pretty long word. If we were playing Scrabble, I would probably be winning the game. And remember – if she asks you if you think she’s fat, say yes. She will be impressed by your honesty. But you must never, ever hold her hand for extended periods of time. This has been proven to cause arthritis, hair loss and eventual infertility. (And not the soppy kind of infertility either – this is the MANLY way to become infertile, where your penis, unable to cope with the pressure of a woman holding your hand, will explode.) If she does take your hand, show off by squeezing it so hard she either bursts into tears or her hand falls off. Take it from me – ripping girl’s limbs off is the best way to display your Chuck Norris style manliness.

      T)      You could win the lottery. Interestingly enough, a four-year long University of Cambridge study, which concluded and was published in 2011, mathematically proved (using lots of complicated algebra and formulae) that winning the lottery is slightly more likely than Unhelpful Teen ever having more than 11 followers.

      U)     Become a football/soccer player, and fake an injury every game so you don’t ever actually have to play and show the world what a poor player you are.

      V)     Get people to pay you to perform David Blaine style acts of human versatility, such as being locked in a glass cube and not eating for a week. Or, maybe start simpler – you could try to not laugh in funny situations, such as watching a cat run into a glass door on television.

Speaking of laughing, where do you reckon the worst places to laugh are? At a funeral? Maths class? Mental status examination? While being circumcised? While snorting fire ants? During Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech? While looking at somebody’s face? During the National Anthem? After you realise the Matrix is real and your whole life has been an illusion? When your parents finally tell you how babies are made? While donating your kidneys to fuel your cocaine addiction? After your entire family has been eaten by a giant carnivorous squirrel?

      W)   Get a job, asshole.

      X)      Hey did you know, I was recently rejected for a job at McDonald’s because ‘the shift pattern didn’t fit in with my requirement’ (or something to that effect). I’m taking that to mean that I’m over-qualified (right? Right? RIGHT?). Well, screw you McDonald’s. I’m lovin’ it. I’M LOVIN NOT WORKIN’ FOR YOU.

      Y)      If all else fails, you could always write  a successful novel and become a world famous author. I personally have an excellent idea for a future novel, which will be called ‘Train of Thought’. It will be about the stream of consciousness (or train of thought) which goes through my mind (and others, such as animals) while doing various things. Because I’m a straight-up good guy, here’s a short extract which I’ve been working on for a few months now (I definitely didn’t just write it now):

      Revising for exams
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh I’m hungry. Wonder what’s in the fridge.”
Lying in bed at night
“I don’t need to pee… I don’t need to pee… I don’t need to pee…. I need to pee.”
Waking up in the morning
Being a dog
“Walkies! Walkies! Walkies! Walkies! Sausages! Walkies! Walkies!”
Being a cat
“F*ck people.”

I think I’m on to a hit with this novel.

       Z)      And if you really can’t make money and get rich quick, remember:  money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, and that’s pretty much the same thing.

h    Leave a comment please! The more comments I get, the more I feed my pet rock, Barney. And he's a hungry little guy.

Thanks Karissa for the Sunshine award, appreciate it! I’ll have your questions answered shortly (hopefully). 

26) How to screw up a job interview

I've finished my exams and am looking for a job. Anybody hiring? Here’s the worst things to say in a job interview.
      A)     I want this job because I need money.

      B)      What’s a Microsoft Word?

      C)      My work ethic is so high, it’s basically Asian.

      D)     Did you just touch my crotch under the table? You sneaky devil, you. 

      E)      Can I just say, I love the fact that you’re black. In fact, I love all the black people. Like, I just don’t get          racism, you know? Why should those stinky whites discriminate against you people? In fact, I hate the          whites and I love the blacks. Not love in a gay way of course. Ha! Gay people are gross.

     F)      How many young women work here?

     G)     Wanna buy some cocaine?

     H)     You’re cute *winks*

      I)        Who’s the babe in the photo frame? Your wife? ……. She home right now?

      J)       I hope this doesn't affect my chances of getting the job, but I have a severe porn addiction and have a           bad habit of pulling my dick out in public and jerking it off in people’s faces.

     K)      I’m not getting out of this chair until you hire me.

      L)       Can I brush your hair? Please? Pretty please?

     M)   I love lamp.

      N)     It’s not that I prefer to work independently, it’s just that I f*cking hate people.

     O)     Didn't I molest you when you were five?

      P)      Meet my pet rock, Barney.

      Q)     One of my main strengths is my ability to fit my whole dick into your ear.

      R)      Why do you have a typewriter connected to your television?

      S)      Where I come from, that kind of question can get you shot.

      T)      You’re not going to hire me? Why don’t you come down to my dungeon and we can talk about this              some more?

     U)     You see this? It’s a dick piercing. Get used to it.

      V)     So, tell me… how many secretaries have you had sex with on this desk?

      W)   If you draw the curtains I can show you the one special skill I have that I didn’t mention on my CV ;)

       X)      You know, my CV could have been even better, but I grow tired of bullshitting, you know?

       Y)      Yes I have great leadership skills, I am the leader of a highly respected World of Warcraft clan.

        Z)      My anus is leaking.

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